Official Slacker Handbook Read online

  “I was prepared to hate this book, but Sarah Dunn has managed to fuse frighteningly on-target observations with a historical perspective that is so often lost when people talk about slackers.

  A tremendously funny book.”

  —Richard Linklater, director of Stacker, Dazed and Confused, and Before Sunrise

  Copyright

  Copyright © 1994 by Sarah Dunn

  All rights reserved.

  Warner Books, Inc.

  Hachette Book Group

  237 Park Avenue

  New York, NY 10017

  Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com.

  First eBook Edition: September 2009

  ISBN: 978-0-446-56493-9

  For Nana,

  who is not a slacker

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I’d like to thank Nick Ellison, whose tireless efforts on my behalf have surpassed what could be expected of any mortal, and who has become both friend and agent. Also thanks to Mauro DiPreta, who not only superbly edited and shepherded this manuscript through production, but also demonstrated the sort of trust that only a slacker can appreciate when he gave me the Warner Books Federal Express account number.

  David Warner, editor of the Philadelphia City Paper, can be held largely responsible for what has become of my career; I owe him a lot, not the least of which are about twenty columns that I was too lazy to write while working on this project. Thanks are also owed to Richard Linklater, who provided the inspiration for this book and an entire generation with his seminal film Slacker. Go rent it.

  I, perhaps unwisely, elected to work with a few slackers in order to complete this book. I never got any of their work on time, but when I got it, it was great. Thanks to Christopher Borromeo, for his photos, Chris Gore, editor of Film Threat magazine, for the Slacker Film Round-up, and Katherine Dahlsgaard, for her herculean efforts as my research assistant. I also owe a huge debt to Bumby Vanover who was influential in both the conception and delivery of this book; at least half the chromosomes rightly belong to him.

  Thanks to Alice Wood, for her enthusiasm and encouragement, and Michael Lynn-Hale, who did her best to keep me sane.

  Countless people offered up their thoughts, theories, and occasionally even unsolicited intimate details about their personal lives in order to further my slack education, but I can say quite honestly that without hours of sitting in Makam’s Kitchen drinking coffee with a few of them, this book would never have been written. My utmost gratitude goes to: Paul Dellevigne, Steven Eckstein, and Greg Swartzentruber. Also, special thanks to Howard Gensler, Devin Williams, Mick Hans, and Charlie Vanover.

  Thanks to John Petrie, Rich Carter, Shawn Leahy, and Jan Schiffman of the as-yet-unsigned Philly-based band Trouser, and Tom Dolan, Joe DeBlasio, and Katherine of the as-yet-unsigned Philly-based band New Age Killers. Also thanks are due to Gina Bittner, Alex DuComb, Margit Detweiler, and Bruce Schimmel of the Philadelphia City Paper.

  I’d like to express my appreciation for the following individuals, who let me pick their brains, steal their ideas, and/or take their pictures: Lee Wybranski, Lori Marks, Michael Geszel, Alexander Jay Storman, Solomon Wise, Thomas Cannon, Ruth Schwechtje, David J. Brown, Dunkin, Camille Becerra, Edouard Bance, Lisa Krieger, Ananda White, Katherine Dahlsgaard, Kelly McQuain, Patrick Kelly, Hawk, Sebastian Havoc Oz, Lome Peart, Joe Jensen, Andrew J. Turner, Kevin L Burrows, John Cannon, Peter Wilson, Heather Mover, cph, James Andrews, Ryan Litts, Noel Ellerbe, Autumn Russo, Dominic Marano, Frank Iaquinta, Aaron Ferranti, Christopher Miller, Jim Smith, Jeff Howard, John DelHousaye, Tyler McGrath, Adam Bogage, Jacqueline Walter, Casper, Dana Wachs, Anastasia Goldman, Kathryn M. Sibrel, Debi Paoli, Paul Compano, Leslie Brauman, Raegan Fogg, Oddessa, Cory Sprenkle, Darin Basile, Timothy J. Kline, Terry L. Wade, James Eagle, Jacob Lavin, Kelly McBride, Jason McKibben, Eric Crittenden, Elisabeth Hammer, Melissa Ferus, Dana Witengier, Mpozi Tolbert, Juliana Shinn, Moses Johnson, Salvator Anthony Cinqu, Howard Martin, Jacob Lavin, Ned Sonstein, Anna Thea Conrad, Jesse Hershey, Adam Schuler, Shabut Hameed, Raul Wiznitzer, Ted Cohen, and Johnathon Goldstein.

  For help with conspiracy theories I turned to a handful of nameless anti-social loners in various cafes as well as to Conspiracies, Cover-Ups and Crimes, by Jonathan Vankin, The Illuminotus Trilogy, by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, and The UFO Guidebook, by Norman J. Briazack and Simon Mennick.

  Thanks to the board and benefactors of Ledig House, who were kind enough to provide me with free food and shelter for two months so I could live in true slack fashion while finishing up my manuscript. Thanks to Elaine Smollin and Helmut Frielinghaus for their encouragement and support. Also thanks to the members of Sword & Spoon, past and present, who helped me shape my own Weltanschauung.

  Thanks for all of their love and help to: Nancy, Susanne, Jean, John, Owen, Mark, Linda, Horace, Amy, Stephanie, Barbara, Shiloah, and Joy.

  Thanks to my parents—Pete Dunn and Joe and Carolyn Davis—encouraging me, praying for me, and floating me the occasional loan (which, if this book goes platinum, I just might pay back). Also thanks to Aunt Sue, Grandma Dunn, Jeff, Kati, and Webb.

  Finally, thanks to David Urso, who, more than anyone else, supported and encouraged me while writing this book Winnona Forever.

  Contents

  Copyright

  Acknowledgments

  Introduction

  Hopping Into The Slack

  Slack Like Me

  Slacking Throughout History

  The Slack Sensibility

  The Slack Pantheon

  Slackers Don’T Jog

  A Day In The Life Of A Slacker

  Mastering Sleep

  Are You A Slacker?

  Slacking Through Academia

  College: Pace Yourself

  Choosing A Major

  Knowing When To Leave

  I Hate My Job: Slacking At Work

  Adventures In Serfdom: Choosing A Day Job

  8 Jobs You Can Do While Wearing Your Pajamas

  Dream Jobs To Day Jobs

  Guerilla Temps Unite

  Stealing Things From Work: Sin? Or Practical Form Of Political Protest?

  The Sacking Of A Slacker: In Revenge Sleeping Is The Best

  “I Ain’T Gonna Work On Maggie’S Farm No More”: The Self-Employed Slacker

  Slacking On The Dole: Bilking The U.S. Government

  13 Things Parents Will Still Pay For

  How To Sell Little Snippets Of Your Liver For Really Big Bucks: Drug Study Bonanzas And Other Unconventional Windfalls

  Forewarned Is Forearmed

  Rate Your Day Job Quiz #2

  The Look And How To Get It

  Principles Of Slack Fashion

  A Brief History Of The Goatee

  Secrets Of Outpatient Hair: How To Look Functionally Insane

  If It’S Not Free, You Can’T Afford It: The Look For Men

  Inside The Slack Pocket

  Conforming To Non Conformity: The Look For Women

  Why We’Ve Stopped Wearing Underpants

  The Gap: Out Of Your Price Range

  Transcending Hygiene: Grunge Was A Trend, Grease Is Lifestyle

  Home Sweet Hovel

  Interior Design, The Slacker Way

  Code Violations

  Inside The Bottom Dresser Drawer

  Laundry: Mirror Of The Self

  How To Forestall The Inevitable: Utility Termination And You

  Ode To The Futon

  When Your House Is, Uh, Your Home: Living With Your Parents

  The Cool Parent Equation

  The Abcs Of Squatting

  Dumpster Diving

  Free Food In The Mail

  Do Ferrets Stink? House Pets As Surrogate Children


  How To Make Hallucinogenic Drugs From Simple Household Chemicals

  Slacker Soriety

  Top 10 Cities To Slack In

  The Unwritten Rules: Mastering Cafe Etiquette

  13 Weighty Questions To Ponder While Sitting In A Cafe

  The Cafe-Goer’s Who’s Who

  Cafe Brain Teaser: The Serial Killers

  Why We Smoke Cigarettes

  Alcoholism On A Shoestring Budget

  Hemp Vs. Coke: A Drug Primer

  The Chess-Playing Slacker

  Ah, Darts: Lowering Your Leisure-Time Brow

  My Hobbies

  Wanderlust

  Slacker Pilgrimages

  The Driveaway

  Airhitch

  Slacker Sex

  Intellectual Foreplay

  But Who Spring For The Condoms?: The New Sex Etiquette

  The Slacker Network: How It Works

  Met A Guy Who Hangs Out In This Cafe Who Knew A Guy Who Worked In A Bike Shop Where This Girl Hung Out: The Power Of Relationships

  How To Pick Up Art School Chicks

  To The Victor Go The Spoils: Breaking Up

  Sophie’S Choice, Quiz #3

  Intellectual Pretension

  Pretending To Read

  12 Books To Tell Other People You’Ve Read

  The Slack Syllabus

  The Books We Love To Hate

  Useless Causes 101

  Arguing Philosophy To Win

  18 Key Words To Employ During A Heated Cafe Debate

  Film Threat Magazine’S Top Ten Slacker Films, Give Or Take

  Unshackling The Human Spirit: The Slacker as Unrecognized Genius

  You And Your Dormant Potential

  Creating A Buzz: Telling Others About Your Talent

  Alienation And The Muse

  The Poetry Slam

  The Five-Minute Poet

  The Art Of Fiction: Showing Off Your Suburban Childhood Scars

  The Slacker’S Copyright

  Creativity: The Dark Side

  The “Start Your Own Rock Band” Kit

  The Film School Dilemma

  Alternacomix

  Qualities Of A Good Screenplay Writing Partner

  Should You Sell Out?

  Are You A Temperamental Auteur Or Just Another Moody Slacker? Quiz #4

  Inside The Twisted Slacker Psyche

  Martins Vs. Masons: Choosing A Conspiracy Theory

  Alien Lexicon

  Novus Ordo Seclorum: Masons In The White House

  Conspiracy A-Go-Go

  Is That A Safety Pin In Your Nipple Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?: Slacking Through Ritualized Pain

  The Paranoia Checklist

  The Inner Pain Chart: What Your Tattoos Say About You

  Are You Mentally Ill Or Just Slacking? Quiz #5

  Appendix

  Daily Affirmations for the Slacker

  About the Author

  The official Slacker handbook

  introduction

  HOPPING INTO THE SLACK

  It is the inalienable right of every man, woman, and child to work as little as humanly possible. Looking, acting, and ultimately being slack is no longer restricted to an elite minority of twenty-four-year-olds lucky enough to spend their days drinking coffee in smoke-filled cafes and writing delicate poems littered with obscenities. You don’t even have to have read Bukowski. In this decade of shame and self-loathing anyone can be a cynical destitute genius. It’s only fair.

  The Official Slacker Handbook will help you in your transformation from gainfully-employed sane person to poverty-stricken malcontent. For slacking is much more than just battling adult-onset acne and sleeping til noon—it’s making your way through a hermetic subculture in which important subtleties abound. Within this book lies the sort of information that would make even the most intrepid zeitgeist-forging slacker gape: where to live, what to wear, what to read, what to tell people you’ve read, how to steal things from work, how to forestall utility termination—even how to make hallucinogenic drugs from basic household chemicals. It includes advice on choosing day jobs, house pets, live-in lovers, tattoo designs, and conspiracy theories. It covers everything from cafe etiquette to sex etiquette, from serial killers to suicidal artists, from hooking up to breaking up.

  So stop thinking you’re a lost cause just because you own a couch that’s never been propped against a curb on trash day. Even the most die-hard slacker had to learn to struggle with timeless existential questions and cultivate his deathlike pallor. Remember: Slackers don’t have to be overeducated Caucasian males who were raised in the suburbs in the Seventies and are deluded about their creative abilities. But they do have to read this book. Even if they do it standing up in the corner of the bookstore. It’s the ultimate shortcut. It’s alpha prime.

  Slack Like Me

  SLACKING THROUGHOUT HISTORY

  Somerset, Englang, 1797

  Education history: Cambridge dropout

  Drug of choice: Opium

  Formative experience: The French Revolution

  Signature affectation: Rumpled ascot

  Night table reading: Immanuel Kant’s Groundwork of the Metaphysic of Ethics

  Weltanschauung-shaking assassination: Marie Antoinette

  Sexual mores broken: Fell unhappily in love with prudish sister-in-law

  Basic philosophical conflict: Man vs. Nature

  Hallmark of creative efforts: Shocking subject matter presented in simple, unpoetic style with thinly disguised autobiographical content

  Day job: Disgruntled landbearing aristocrat

  Paris, 1922

  Education history: Princeton dropout

  Drug of choice: Jug wine

  Formative experience: Discovery that he could invite women back to his studio and make them disrobe nearly convinced him to give up fiction and dedicate his life to painting

  Signature affectation: Beat-up walking stick and pipe

  Night table reading: James Joyce’s Ulysses

  Weltanschauung-shaking assassination: Archduke Ferdinand

  Sexual mores broken: Associated with known homosexuals

  Basic philosophical conflict: Man vs. Man

  Hallmark of creative efforts: Shocking subject matter presented in simple, unpoetic style with thinly disguised autobiographical content

  Day job: Disgruntled dairy fortune heir

  San Francisco, 1967

  Education history: High school dropout

  Drug of choice: Ditch weed

  Formative experience: Hallucinogen-induced late-night vision of Alexander Pope convinced him to dedicate his life to poetry

  Signature affectation: Black turtle-neck

  Night table reading: Charles Bukowski’s The Post Office

  Weltanschauung-shaking assassination: John F, Kennedy

  Sexual mores broken: Opted to have sex with his brother-in-law

  Bask philosophical conflict: Man vs. Society

  Hallmark of creative efforts: Shocking subject matter presented in simple, unpoetic style with thinly disguised autobiographical content

  Day job: Disgruntled trust-fund drifter

  austin, 1994

  Education history: Film school dropout

  Drug of choice: Unfiltered Camels and black coffee

  Formative experience: Discovery that Heinz ketchup’s “57 varieties” was secret Illuminati codescript (right along with the pyramid with the eye on the back of the dollar bill) convinced him to resign himself to political and economic apathy

  Signature affectation: Knit cap

  Night table reading: Robert Graysmith’s Who Killed Bob Crane?

  Weltanschauung-shaking assassination: Ronald Reagan (attempted)

  Sexual mores broken: Stuns dominant culture by frequently being too lazy to have sex

  Basic philosophical conflict: Man vs. Me

  Hallmark of creative efforts: Shocking subject matter presented in simple, unpoetic style with thinly disguised autobiographical content

 
Day job: Disgruntled coat check boy

  THE SLACK SENSIBILITY

  THE SLACK SENSIBILITY IS PART OLD-FASHIONED BOHEMIANISM AND PART FIN DE SIÈCLE EXHAUSTION, PLACED AGAINST THE BACKDROP OF A CRAPPY RECESSION AND INTOLERABLE SUBURBAN IRONY. IN SOME IT BLOSSOMS INTO A HAPPY-GO-LUCKY PROLONGED ADOLESCENCE IN WHICH THE SATISFACTION THAT COMES FROM TRASH-PICKING BJ AND THE BEAR LUNCHBOXES AND MAKING UP SONGS CALLED “JEWISH HOAGIE” TAKES THE PLACE OF SCALING THE CORPORATE LADDER AND SPAWNING KIDS. OTHERS ELECT TO PICK AT THE SCABS OF THEIR PSYCHE AND QUICKLY DEGENERATE INTO A MOUND OF BROODING APATHY AND DESPAIR. EITHER WAY, THEY SHARE A FEW IDEALS THAT TRANSCEND MERE FASHION OR MUSIC, A COMMON SENSIBILITY THAT ALSO HAPPENS TO BE, AS ASTUTE CULTURAL COMMENTATORS WILL SURELY NOTE, NOTHING NEW:

  CONSCIOUS NON-PARTICIPATION

  Metaphysical paralysis? TV-induced inertia? plain old-fashioned laziness? A lot has been said about the slacker’s trademark indolence, but the point must be made that deliberately opting out of socially-recognized forms of activity isn’t the same thing as stumbling into inaction. If you refuse to be a cog in our economic machine you become, de facto, a detached spectator with a lot of free time on your hands.

  REJECTION OF CONSUMERISM

  This isn’t to say that slackers have rejected materialism. They don’t aspire to give away their CD collections and live like Gandhi. Quite the contrary. But, put plainly, rejecting the nose-to-the-grindstone lifestyle that’s founded upon the ethic of Purchasing New Things isn’t the same as rejecting the ethic of Mooching, Shoplifting, and Stealing them.

  CONTEMPT FOR CORPORATE AMERICA

  THE NUMBER OF FETID CORPSES AND DISMEMBERED KITTENS THAT CAN BE LEFT AT THE DOORSTEP OF CORPORATE AMERICA DEFIES CALCULATION. VAGUE SLACK ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT LEANINGS FIND THEIR IDEAL TARGET IN THIS EVIL FACELESS BEHEMOTH. CHEMICAL CORPORATIONS THAT TOXIFY THE WATER TABLE?