Official Slacker Handbook Read online

  True or False: David Rockefeller’s Trilateral Commission, the Council on Foreign Relations, and CIA-front Exxon are the visible outcroppings of a shadow government intent on immanentizing the Eschaton so a powerful few can seize complete control of the world.

  True or False: Sirhan Bishara Sirhan, who confessed to killing Robert F. Kennedy, was actually an unwitting patsy hypnoprogrammed by the CIA. The LAPD—infiltrated by CIA operatives—overlooked the impossible angle of the fatal shot, the extra bullets found in the pantry, and the “woman in the polka-dot dress” during its haphazard investigation of the assassination.

  True or False:Newsweek is a CIA publication.

  True or False: As Kissinger protégé, CIA agent, Skull and Bonesman, Trilateralist, Bildeburger, Council on Foreign Relations member, Texas oil man, and cheerleader for a New World Order, George Herbert Walker Bush is a cryptotalitarian and the point man for a cabal of elites who are tireless in their quest for total world domination.

  Bonus:

  True or False: Bill Clinton—Rhodes Scholar, Member of the Council on Foreign Relations, Trilateralist, and Bildeburger—was spawned in a netherworld where “left” and “right,” and “liberal” and “conservative,” no longer have any meaning, and was placed in power by precisely the same shadow government that put George Bush into power.

  Answers:

  If I reveal the truth, I will in all likelihood be chopped into pieces, wedged into an oil drum, and left bobbing for all eternity in an isolated inlet off the Arctic Ocean. Hence, I will demur.

  IS THAT A SAFETY PIN IN YOUR NIPPLE OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?: SLACKING THROUGH RITUALIZED PAIN

  The slack existence is tailored to both numbing life’s pain and plumbing its depths. In so far as anything smacking of fatalism catches the slacker’s eye, those halfhearted dabblings in ritualized pain ought not shock. What could be better than excruciating torture capped with a postprocedure endorphin high?

  Still, scrotal piercing is not for everyone. Slackers might live where the subcultures collide, but urban primitives you are not. And the fact that you would sooner remain in bed for a week than jog around the block suggests that, deep down, you are somewhat pain-averse.

  But tattoos fulfill your longing for permanence in a landscape dominated by dead shopping malls and flimsy tract houses. And—even though preteens in Idaho caught on about six months ago—piercing still seems seductively transgressive. You’ve seen one too many musicians set themselves on fire onstage to remain immune to the artistic appeal of self-mutilation. Slam the door on normalcy. Deface yourself.

  (Alas, elaborate Celtic tattoos, bull rings, and erogenous-zone piercings are fast becoming yesterday’s news. Brace yourself for the waves of the future: abstract expressionistic body inking, branding, and ritualized amputation.)

  THE PARANOIA CHECKLIST

  I refuse to send any of my screenplays out to Hollywood because if I do somebody will probably steal my ideas.

  I conduct all of my personal financial transactions in cash or money order to restrict the amount of personal information about me circulating in national data bases.

  Sometimes I worry that my telephone might be tapped.

  I believe that the FBI maintains a file on me.

  I know too much about The Conspiracy for my own good.

  The light fixtures at the cafe where I hang out each day are probably bugged.

  I’m afraid that there is a high-tech tracking device of some sort imbedded in one of my molars.

  I have seriously considered staging my own death and assuming an alternate identity in order to thwart those who want to do me harm.

  Sometimes I feel like I’m probably a product of a Nazi breeding experiment.

  I think the aliens who visit my bedroom late at night want to have sex with me.

  THE INNER PAIN CHART:WHAT YOUR TATTOOS SAY ABOUT YOU

  Tattoo Meaning

  Tasmanian Devil on your inner thigh Sublimated Oedipal aggression

  Tattoo Meaning

  Skull and crossbones in pool of blood on the nape of your neck Defective superego

  Bad Seed

  Tattoo Meaning

  “Bad Seed” printed in Chaucerian font on your deltoid Entrenched defensive ego

  Tattoo Meaning

  Satan’s likeness on your abdomen By-product of a drinking binge

  Tattoo Meaning

  Snake on your arm Anxiety about your penis

  Tattoo Meaning

  Ancient Celtic cross on your breast Fear of intimacy

  Tattoo Meaning

  Butterfly on your butt Unresolved Cinderella complex

  Tattoo Meaning

  Barbed wire encircling your ankle Thwarted God complex

  Are You Mentally Ill or Just Slacking?

  QUIZ #5

  Choose the answer that best matches your own:

  1. The dark brown water stain slowly growing on the ceiling over my bed:

  a) Spooks me sometimes late at night

  b) Probably is causing the asbestos to flake down onto my Scooby sheets

  c) Reminds me of a powerful story by Flannery O’Connor

  d) Resembles a handsome young Ronald Reagan

  2. If I could have any single superpower, I would pick:

  a) The ability to turn my limbs into ropes on a moment’s notice

  b) The “Form of … an Ice Helicopter’’ half of the SuperTwin powers

  c) The capacity to send a threatening tidal wave back out to sea with a single breath

  d) The power to transmute everything within the entire known universe into antimatter by touching my right index finger to my nose

  3. The voices in my head sound strikingly similar to those of:

  a. Ginger and Mary Ann

  b. Vera and Flo

  c. Leather and Pinky Tuscadero

  d. Margaret Thatcher and Cokie Roberts

  4. Sometimes when I’m lying alone on my futon all day I like to imagine:

  a) I’m adrift on an ice floe in the north Atlantic, and unless someone rescues me I’ll have to slaughter one of these cute baby seal pillows in order to survive

  b) I’m the last human on the planet earth, and if I so much as open my bedroom door I’ll be struck down by a mysterious Andromeda virus and meet a lingering, painful death

  c) I’ve been abducted by creatures from a parallel dimension, and now I’m being forced to lie motionless on this gravity pad until they return to perform more experiments of a sexual nature on me

  d) What it would feel like to kill someone with my bare hands

  5. The Hard Copy regular I most strongly identify with is:

  a) Princess Fergie

  b) John F. Kennedy, Jr.

  c) Tatum O’Neal

  d) The disgruntled postal worker

  6. My favorite book as an adolescent was:

  a) Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret, because it dealt frankly with girls getting their periods

  b) Then Again, Maybe I Won’t, because it dealt frankly with erections and wet dreams

  c) Forever, because it dealt frankly with young people losing their virginity

  d) Alive, because it dealt frankly with the eating of human flesh

  7. My life would be much better if only I had:

  a) Movie-star good looks

  b) A bankable screenplay in preproduction

  c) Enough quarters to do my laundry

  d) A few fewer personalities

  SCORING:

  Give yourself 1 point for each A, B, or C, and 2 points for each D.

  7 points: Tell your parents to stop worrying. You’re just slacking.

  8-9 points: Candidate for Prozac.

  10-13 points: Candidate for Lithium.

  14 points: Candidate for shock treatment at the Shady Tree Hospital for the criminally insane.

  YOUR SLACKING DAYS ARE OVER WHEN YOU …

  -Linger in front of J. Crew

  -Join a gym

  -Feel vague anxiety when examin
ing your tattoos

  -Begin attending church regularly

  -Apply The Patch

  -Buy What Color Is My Parachute?

  -Are institutionalized

  -Order Sanka

  Appendix

  Daily Affirmations for the Slacker

  My “Self” Monday

  I have consciously elected to avoid any meaningful participation in society. Instead, I choose to participate meaningfully within the bounds of my Self. The nice thing about this is that I can do it in bed. If I want. Or I can do it while watching reruns of Small Wonder. It doesn’t matter. It’s up to me. Me, and my Self.

  Taking Control Tuesday

  I will not live a life defined by arbitrary “shoulds” and “musts” imposed upon me by others. When my boss says to me, “You’d better do such and such or I’ll fire your lazy ass,” I will respond with a self-affirming statement like “Oh yeah, bud? I’ll slap a discriminatory firing suit on you so fast you’ll think you’re being stalked by the ACLU.”

  I Am an Individual Wednesday

  I will not be categorized. I refuse to align myself with a political party, because doing so would only place more power into the hands of the Ruling Elite. Of course, I prefer to have liberal Democrats in office because the Republicans aren’t going to help me with things like welfare fraud. But beyond that, I really don’t care.

  Setting Boundaries Thursday

  I am free to set my own boundaries. I don’t have to subject myself to abusive correspondence from individuals attempting to extort financial payments from me. I don’t have to answer their telephone calls, either. I have studied up on ways to stage my own death and assume an alternate identity in order to get out of paying back my student loans. If they push me hard enough, I just might do it.

  Remuneration Friday

  A paycheck is not a report card on life. Indeed, I have found that it usually works to my advantage to be paid under the table. Being paid in cash substantially reduces the amount of money I am legally responsible for handing over to the IRS. Fortunately for me, the IRS does not even know I exist.

  Squandered Potential Saturday

  Extrinsic rewards do not interest me. I can choose to pursue a life of inner evolution rather than one of material gain. When my parents tell me that I am squandering my potential, I am strong enough to tell them that the only thing I have not been squandering is my potential. I am secure in the belief that my potential remains unsquandered.

  Sanity Sunday

  You cannot put a price on sanity. Unfortunately, my nonexistent health insurance package does not cover the costly Jungian analysis for which my present state would suggest I am an ideal candidate. Thus, on this holy day I choose to be ministered to by the Great Comforter. I am content, as always, to remain horizontally integrated into life.

  About the Author

  Sarah Dunn

  graduated from the

  University of Pennsylvania in 1991,

  and is currently at work on her next book.

  PHOTO CREDITS

  Page iv--Christopher Borromeo/viii, ix,and 8--Archive Photos/9, 10--Library of Congress/11--Historical Pictures Collection/Stock Montage, Inc. (Rossini); Archive Photos (Kafka)/12--Library of Congress (Duchamp); Globe Photos (Krebs)/22, 23, 28--Christopher Borromeo/29--Library of Congress/40--Christopher Borromeo; Library of Congress (Richelieu)/41--Christopher Borromeo/42--Christopher Borromeo; Archive Photos (DuBois); The Library of Congress (Lenin)/43-- Christopher Borromeo; The Mansell Collection (Trotsky)/44--Globe Photos/45--Christopher Borromeo; Gerardo Sumozu (Willis)/59--Christopher Borromeo/62, 63--UPI/Bettmann/64, 65, 66, 77--Christopher Borromeo/89, 90, 91--Cathy Mencher-Kass/96--Christopher Borromeo/105--AP/Wide World Photos/107, 108--Christopher Borromeo.

  “Some people are born to slack. Others have slacking thrust upon them.”

  Erudite, indolent, charismatic, sallow, an unexcelled forger of myth, a sullen server of the Soup of the Day, the slacker’s life is jam-packed with contradictions that must be sorted out. How to reconcile the 18-hour-a-week job in the Fotomat™ booth with the tortured soul that lies just beneath the filmy surface of the slacker’s skin? How to maintain a surface industry in one’s artistic endeavors and yet never have to produce a single page, canvas, or stanza?

  The official Slacker handbook

  . . . contains everything you need to know to produce both an enigmatic aura about yourself and enough money for the rent. Don’t waste three months unpeeling the many layers of Finnegan’s Wake when a few seconds inside THE OFFICIAL SLACKER HANDBOOK can show you:

  • 8 jobs you can do while wearing your pajamas

  • How to create a buzz by telling others about your talent

  • 13 things parents will still pay for

  • 12 books to tell other people you’ve read

  • How to forestall the inevitable utility termination

  • How to argue philosophy to win.

  Let THE OFFICIAL SLACKER HANDBOOK help you on your search for both the beautiful in the mundane and free stuff in office supply closets. And soon enough, the fact that you don’t have enough cash for cigarettes will seem tragic and meaningful rather than just ever so mildly annoying.

  (Now you can go back to sleep.)