Official Slacker Handbook Read online

  ARE YOU A SLACKER?

  Quiz #1

  Instructions: Choose the answer that best matches your own:

  1. Before exiting the employee restroom at work you instinctively:

  a) Wash your hands thoroughly

  b) Check your gums for signs of receding

  c) Steal several rolls of toilet paper

  2. You know a relationship is on the rocks when:

  a) You haven’t gone out to dinner in six months

  b) You haven’t had sex in six months

  c) One of you gets a real job

  3. Your aesthetic philosophy could best be summed up with the phrase:

  a) “Subvert the dominant paradigm”

  b) “Live the question”

  c) “Novels are hard but poetry’s easy”

  4. Your relationship with your parents would run much smoother if only they would:

  a) Quit pestering you about applying to law school

  b) Stop frittering away your inheritance on Carnival Cruises

  c) Install a cash machine on the front lawn

  5. A visitor to your home would be able to find:

  a) Coffee filters in the kitchen, socks in the bed, and dirty dishes on the toilet tank

  b) Dirty dishes in the kitchen, coffee filters in the bed, and socks on the toilet tank

  c) Socks in the kitchen, dirty dishes in the bed, and coffee filters on the toilet tank

  The slack answer, in each case, is “c.”

  SLACKING THROUGH ACADEMIA

  COLLEGE: PACE YOURSELF

  THE FOUR-YEAR PLAN:

  DESIGNED FOR PEOPLE WHO LACK BOTH IMAGINATION AND PANACHE, THE FOUR-YEAR PLAN REQUIRES THAT YOU STICK WITH THE MAJOR YOUR FOLKS PICK OUT FOR YOU ON PARENTS’ WEEKEND, PASS ALL YOUR EXAMS, AND TURN IN YOUR FINAL PAPERS MORE OR LESS ON TIME. DISTINCTLY UNSLACK.

  THE FIVE-YEAR PLAN:

  A YEAR OF BREATHING ROOM CAN ALLOW FOR A CHANGE OF MAJOR, A CHANGE OF ACADEMIC VENUE, A MINOR NERVOUS BREAKDOWN, A SMATTERING OF ABORTED CLASSES, OR A YEAR OF WANDERING AROUND THE COUNTRY IN AN ILL-FATED ATTEMPT TO FIND YOURSELF. UNFORTUNATELY, IT’S NOT ENOUGH TIME FOR ALL OF THE ABOVE.

  THE SEVEN-YEAR PLAN:

  GIVES YOU AMPLE TIME TO GO WORK ON AN OIL RIG, DESIGN YOUR OWN MULTIDEPARTMENTAL INTERDISCIPLINARY MAJOR, READ ALL OF DANTE IN THE ORIGINAL ITALIAN, BEGIN SEVERAL SHORT 16MM FILMS, AND COMPETE IN THE IDITAROD. ADDED BONUS: YOU CAN CONTINUE TO DATE, FRESHMEN WELL INTO YOUR THIRD DECADE.

  THE ABSENCE OF A PLAN:

  DESIGNED FOR INDIVIDUALS WHO WANT TO SPEND A DECADE TENDING BAR WHILE BEING DRIVEN QUIETLY INSANE BY A SLOUGH OF TWELVE-YEAR-OLD INCOMPLETES. IDEAL IF YOU CAN’T FIND AN ADVISOR WILLING TO SIGN OFF ON YOUR THESIS CONCEPT: “SEXUALITY, SEMIOTICS, AND ‘STARSKY AND HUTCH.’”

  CHOOSING A MAJOR

  UNFORTUNATELY, EVEN THE MOST PROGRESSIVE OF UNIVERSITIES WILL BE RELUCTANT TO LET YOU MAJOR IN BROODING INTROSPECTION AND MINOR IN CAFFEINE STUDIES. THERE ARE A HANDFUL OF MAJORS, HOWEVER, THAT WILL SEND YOU HURTLING DOWN THE SLACKING CAREER TRACK FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY “BLUE BOOK EXAM.” HERE ARE THE TOP TEN:

  1. English

  2. Film

  3. Philosophy

  4. Linguistics

  5. Classical Studies

  6. German

  7. Theater

  8. Creative writing

  9. Intellectual history

  10. Folklore

  KNOWING WHEN TO LEAVE

  For the collegiate slacker, knowing when to leave the shelter of academia is often the hardest thing of all. Some slackers never forge out on their own. They eventually graduate (at some point, it’s hard not to), but then they go on to accumulate useless Master’s degree after useless Master’s degree, hoping with each one that it will result in a lucrative, meaningful, and easy new job. Finally they head for the Ph.D., never, of course, able to complete their dissertations, eventually descending into a bitter pit of self-loathing that they climb out of, periodically, so they can drink coffee in cafes with girls half their age.

  Which is not necessarily a bad fate. There’s no denying that staying in school has its advantages—the student loan people don’t pester you to death, your parents still send you money—but at some point it’s best to get on with your life and begin slacking full-time. You’ll know you’re ready to move on if you:

  -smoke so much, during finals that you occasionally hack up blood

  -hate college radio and classic rock

  -took every film class offered in the course catalog—even those that are only offered once a decade, when the school is able to attract just the right dissident filmmaker hailing from the appropriate former Soviet satellite—and then came to the realization one fine spring morning that all that film theory was a waste of your time and what you really should be doing is making movies.

  -managed to get your wisdom teeth removed, your appendix taken out, your skin problem cleared up, and dozens of visits to expensive mental health care professionals, all paid for by your student health plan

  -know how to construct a bong out of virtually any three common household items

  -limit your social circle to a bunch of dropouts who live in a run-down house four blocks from campus

  -notice your parents have stopped sending you money

  I HATE MY JOB: SLACKING AT WORK

  ADVENTURES IN SERFDOM: Choosing a Day Job

  “Work, for me, is just being in a particular place for an extended period of time and not being allowed to leave.

  —Devin, a slacker

  THE REAL JOBREQUIRES YOU TO WAKE UP EACH MORNING AT A PREDETERMINED HOUR, OFTEN ONE THAT COULD BEST BE DESCRIBED AS “UNGODLY.” IT CALLS FOR A SUSTAINED EFFORT OVER A LENGTHY STRETCH OF HOURS—CUTTING INTO PRIME AFTERNOON TV VIEWING TIME, DRAMATICALLY REDUCING POTENTIAL NAPPING HOURS—AND LIMITS THE NUMBER OF VACATION DAYS YOU ARE ALLOWED IN A GIVEN YEAR WITHOUT EVEN TAKING INTO CONSIDERATION YOUR PLANS FOR A MOUNTAIN CLIMBING TRIP TO BOLIVIA. PERHAPS NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE REAL JOB IS ANATHEMA TO THE SLACKER.

  The Day Job, on the other hand, is only tenuously tied to the concept of work if you define work as Webster does—“activity in which one exerts strength or faculties to do or perform something.” Oddly enough, it often has nothing to do with the day either. A good Day Job is a job in which you are compensated for showing up periodically. Any requirements beyond that must be negotiated on a case-by-case basis.

  So, sure you’ll sit in the coat-check room and read. You might even partake of some free food and drink. Bum smokes from the bartender. Craft the occasional delicate poem littered with obscenities. But fold cloth napkins into elaborate origami peacocks? Increase your rate of coat-retrieval speed when a horde of angry people materializes outside your booth? Remember whose compact black umbrella is whose? What are you, nuts? When they start paying you for brain surgery, you’ll start performing it.

  The Day Jobs:

  Bartender.

  The indisputable pinnacle of achievement among food service industry employees: a most coveted slack job.

  Bar back.

  aka Aspiring bartender who refuses to wait tables. Marked by hours of schlepping kegs up and down stairs while trying to procure free shots from surly bar-tending slavelords.

  Bellhop.

  The chin-scraping obsequiousness and sycophantry that must be directed toward tiresome rich people makes this an especially easy job to lose.

  Bicycle courier.

  Must be able to weave through rush-hour traffic on a stolen mountain bike while under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs.

  Bike store guy.

  Learn how to do something with your hands, for once in your life. Expose yourself to the aesthetics of W-D40. Get intimate with a wrench.

  Bookstore clerk.

  Entry level position for aspiring First Novelists.

  Cabbie.

  Stash a can of Lysol in the glove compartment, stick a few urbane cartoons on the sliding plastic window, then pretend you can’t speak English.

  Ca
fe counterperson.

  Such a coveted slack job in some cities that at least one young woman was turned down because she “didn’t have enough experience with cappuccino.”

  Carriage driver.

  FOR THE ANIMAL-LOVING SLACKER WHO ENJOYS WEARING PERIOD ATTIRE AND LYING TO TOURISTS ABOUT INSIGNIFICANT CIVIC LANDMARKS.

  Caterer.

  EXPOSE YOURSELF TO SOME THE MORE INTOLERABLE ASPECTS OF ECONOMIC INJUSTICE AS RICH PEOPLE AMUSE THEMSELVES AND TALK LOUDLY ABOUT THEIR UPCOMING VACATIONS WHILE YOU RUN AROUND IN A SMELLY ILL-FITTING TUXEDO.

  Coat-check girl.

  The ultimate no-brainer.

  Elementary school sub.

  Can be quite lucrative in cities where the daily wage is augmented by combat pay.

  Go Go dancer.

  Self-objectification? Or simply a savvy economic move?

  Grocery store checkout person.

  WITH THE HELP OF THOSE CONVEYOR BELTS, LASER SCANNERS, AND AUTOMATIC CHANGE DISPENSERS, HERE YOU CAN COME SEDUCTIVELY CLOSE TO DOING NO ACTUAL WORK WHATSOEVER.

  Health food store noontime sandwich delivery person.

  Easy hours and crunchy clientele.

  House painter.

  Only for young, strapping, tan slackers who think their lives are still going someplace.

  Ice-cream scooper.

  Your forearm will swell like Popeye’s and you friends will come visit you at work.

  Lawn boy.

  For the pathetic suburban slacker still residing at home with his parents.

  Movie theater ticket person/usher.

  For the aspiring auteur.

  Night watchman/desk clerk.

  For readers, writers, and people who can sleep with their eyes open.

  Part-time telemarketer.

  HOURS OF HOSTILE STRANGERS BERATING YOU FOR INTERRUPTING THEIR DINNERS WILL ADD TEXTURE AND DEPTH TO YOUR SLACK WELTANSCHAUUNG.

  Photocopy shop worker.

  Just how many frat party fliers can one man be expected to reproduce?

  Pizza delivery person.

  Every pizza you deliver is a piece of your own death.

  Record store worker.

  Sole job requirement: You must be demonstrably cooler than the people who come into the store.

  Sous-chef.

  Looks convincingly close to the first step on an actual career path.

  Temp.

  IDEAL FOR THE PARALEGAL WHO TUBES HER LSATS AND DECIDES TO FIGURE OUT WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS TO DO WITH HER LIFE. (LETHAL ONE-TWO PUNCH OF MANDATED PROMPTNESS AND ACCURATE TYPING IS TOO MUCH FOR MOST CAREER SLACKERS.)

  Video store worker.

  Watch movies at work! Provide your friends with free rentals!

  Waiter.

  Frankly, too much work for a lot of slackers. The ones who succeed in the business perfect their slouchy slo-mo service early on and never get alarmed by the weeds.

  8 Jobs YOU CAN DO While Wearing Your Pajamas.

  there are two kinds of jobs in this world: those you can do in your pajamas and those you can’t.

  Here are eight you can:

  1. DIAL-A-PSYCHIC

  2. Freelance envelope licker

  3. “Earn hundreds of dollars $$$ reading books in your home!”

  4. Miracle Thigh Cream peddler

  5. HUD refund processor

  6. “Earn hundreds of dollars $$$ assembling products in your home!”

  7. Depressed homemaker

  8. Phone sex girl

  DREAM JOBS TO DAY JOBS

  Match each dream job to the day job that would be the logical first step for a slacker attempting to scale the career ladder.

  The Dream Jobs

  1. Publisher, subversive national underground newspaper

  2. Heir to Fellini’s throne

  3. Globe-trotting photojournalist

  4. Lead vocalist, seminal Gothic metal band

  5. Professional lottery winner

  6. Childless housewife

  7. Sidekick for late-night talk show host

  8. Mayoral appointee to cushy do-nothing city job

  9. Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist

  10. Three-time Genius Grant winner

  The Day Jobs

  a. Peddler, tie-dyed undershirts at Dead concerts

  b. Deputy Assistant Manager, Megaplex popcorn stand

  c. Guy who sells coverless paperbacks out of a grocery cart on street corners

  d. Comedy club cocktail waitress

  e. Part-time elementary school sub/noon aid

  f. Hot dog vendor merely a stone’s throw from City Hall

  g. Freelance copy editor, dental office pamphlets

  h. Night watchman/occasional Bingo caller, local old folks’ home

  i. Panhandler/petty thief

  j. Guy who sits in the Photomat booth

  ANSWERS: 1g; 2b; 3j; 4a; 5h; 6e; 7b; 8f; 9c; 10i.

  GUERILLA TEMPS UNITE

  As far as gross exploitation of the labor force goes, it’s hard to beat temporary employment. The temp agency charges, say, $12 an hour for your labor, of which they give you about $6 and keep the rest. The corporation pays the twelve bucks so it can avoid providing you with benefits such as health insurance and job security. As an added bonus, they are able to use you to illustrate a great economic truth to their beleaguered work force: Everyone is expendable.

  Still, temp work is flexible and brainless, two qualities that don’t exactly lack appeal. If you do decide to go the temp route, here are some things to keep in mind:

  Start Slow

  When you get a new temp assignment go through the initial training period exhibiting the sort of mental sharpness you would expect from someone missing a chromosome. This ensures low expectations on the part of your supervisors (“Now fold up the stack of paper and put it in the envelope.…”) and guarantee you hours of slack time on the job.

  Ambitious temps go to the other extreme, trying to be so competent and speedy that their supervisor will see the light and immediately hand them a full-time job. Alas, they are doing nothing but hastening their own obsolescence. The longer you can stretch out a job, the higher your dollar-per-task rate becomes.

  ORGANIZE A WORK SLOW-DOWN

  If you are toiling away with a bunch of temps on a single job, convince the others to slow down to snail’s pace. This infuriates The Powers That Be, which serves them right for trying to exploit you.

  Organize a Temp Sick Day

  Get all the temps to call in sick on an important day of a time-sensitive project. If they don’t want to give you job security, why should you give them labor security?

  ONE WORD: SABOTAGE

  If a temp job boss treats you badly enough, a little tampering with highly sensitive information might be in order. Consider rerouting significant documents from your mole’s nest in the mail room or falling prey to a crippling bout of dyslexia while doing numerical date entry.

  START TALKING “UNION”

  An extremely effective way of causing problems that just so happens to be legal is to begin talking to your downtrodden coworkers about the tangible benefits of unionization. If you get fired for it, you can file charges with the National Labor Relations Board, and your employer will be forced to deal with a massive bureaucratic nightmare and piles of paperwork. You might come out with thousands of dollars of back pay, but even without it, you’ll rest easier knowing that corporate America will think twice before trying to treat you like a meaningless cog in a machine designed to make rich people more money.

  STEALING THINGS FROM WORK: SIN? OR PRACTICAL FORM OF POLITICAL PROTEST?

  Stealing things from work is one profitable way to express your dissatisfaction with the status quo.

  Workplace theft is as American as bombing third-rate powers in order to increase our president’s standing in popularity polls, though most people limit their pilfering to hand-held staplers and Post-It notes.

  Not so the slacker.

  Suppose you work in a restaurant.

  Depen
ding on your individual management situation, your weekly take could include—and may not even be limited to—the following: food, alcohol, bottles of condiments, coffee, tea, sugar, packets of artificial sweetener, milk, juice, butter, salt and pepper shakers, dishrags, canisters of whipped cream, toilet paper, Kleenex, coffee filters, pots, soap, silverware, wineglasses, wine openers, coffee cups, plates, knives, cloth napkins, pens, candles, candle holders, ash trays, tables, chairs, fresh flowers, and matchbooks.

  But that’s not all. The people upon whom you wait are bound to forget an umbrella every now and then.

  Or a pair of really cool sunglasses. Or maybe even a fancy silk scarf. And you remember what you learned in elementary school: finders keepers, losers place unfruitful telephone calls to the maitre d’, who didn’t see a thing.

  Should you happen to find yourself working for a caterer, you’ll want to take home a souvenir from each grand home through which you tote hors d’oeuvres. The cautious might limit themselves to a handful of seashell-shaped soap from the bathroom or a knickknack whose disappearance from the guest bedroom is sure to be overlooked. But just think how swanky a crystal Tiffany ashtray would look on top of that coffee table you discovered leaning against the curb on trash day. Imagine for a moment how far a pocket-sized Lalique Figurine perched atop your $15 TV would go toward deconstructing the concept of wealth and privilege in America And don’t forget that bottles of wine and/or champagne can be wrapped in clothing and slipped into your backpack and are rarely missed.