Official Slacker Handbook Read online

TRUE 2 points

  FALSE -5 points

  “I am encouraged to smoke on the job.”

  TRUE 4 points

  FALSE 0 points

  “I have access to an unlimited supply of free coffee while at work.”

  TRUE 4 points

  FALSE -2 points

  “I can successfully perform the duties of my job while hung over.”

  TRUE 1 point

  FALSE -1 point

  “I can successfully perform the duties of my job while intoxicated.”

  TRUE 3 points

  FALSE 0 points

  “I can successfully perform the duties of my job while under the influence of mind-altering drugs.”

  TRUE 4 points

  FALSE 0 points

  “I can drink on the job with impunity.”

  TRUE 2 points

  FALSE 0 points

  “When I elect not to show up for work as scheduled, I am not promptly fired.”

  TRUE 3 points

  FALSE -2 points

  “When I elect not to show up for work as scheduled, I am neither reprimanded nor promptly fired.”

  TRUE 5 points

  FALSE 0 points

  “I would have little or no trouble leaving my job for a period of several months and then returning to it.”

  TRUE 3 points

  FALSE -2 points

  “I do not have to wear a uniform to work.”

  TRUE 1 point

  FALSE -4 points

  “I do not have to wear a funny hat to work.”

  TRUE 0 points

  FALSE -6 points

  “I never wear a suit to work.” (men only)

  TRUE 0 points

  FALSE -10 points

  “I never wear panty hose and high heels to work.” (women only)

  TRUE 0 points

  FALSE -5 points

  “My parents are ashamed to tell their friends what I do for a living.”

  TRUE 7 points

  FALSE -1 point

  “I can sit down with my friends, smoke, talk, read, write, doodle, put my feet up, and drink coffee for prolonged periods of time while still getting paid at work.”

  TRUE 10 points

  FALSE -3 points

  SCORING:

  -60 to -1 points: YOUR DAY JOB SELECTION INSTINCT IS SEVERELY IMPAIRED. THE ONLY WAY YOUR SCORE WOULD BE ACCEPTABLE FOR A SLACKER IS IF YOUR SALARY IS ENABLING YOU TO SOCK AWAY ENOUGH MONEY TO RETIRE WITHIN THE MONTH. OTHERWISE, DO YOURSELF A FAVOR. GET A NEW JOB.

  0 TO 19 POINTS: YOUR SCORE PUTS YOU IN THAT SLACK EMPLOYMENT LIMBO THAT INDICATES THAT YOU JUST AREN’T TRYING HARD ENOUGH. LEARN TO TEND BAR, FOR HEAVEN SAKES. BONE UP ON YOUR CAPPUCCINO SKILLS, PERFECT THAT SNARL, AND GO APPLY AT YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD CAFE. TRUST ME, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.

  20 to 50 points: YOUR SCORE, WHILE EMINENTLY RESPECTABLE, STILL LEAVES AMPLE ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT. THE QUESTION YOU MUST NOW PONDER IS SIMPLE: DO I HAVE MY JOB, OR DOES MY JOB HAVE ME?

  50+ points: Congratulations!

  YOU HAVE MASTERED THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF SLACK LIVING. YOU HAVE FOUND THE PERFECT DAY JOB. (NOW, TRY YOUR BEST NOT TO GET CANNED.)

  THE LOOK AND HOW TO GET IT

  PRINCIPLES OF SLACK FASHION

  Even though you like to think that you exist outside the realm of middle-class concerns, slackers do not remain wholly untouched by the vagaries of fashion. A sudden longing for the Seventies on New York runways will eventually find its way to the cafe, in the shape of a waifish girl wearing a threadbare T-shirt with an iron-on photo of Farrah on her chest. Yet somehow the slacker fashion nether-world—where old clothes go to die before they become “Vintage”—retains an almost timeless quality, based upon a consistent application of the slacker’s sartorial philosophy.

  Some people will undoubtedly claim there are no rules—that nonconformity is just that—and everyone is parading around in gray mechanics’ uniforms with the name Ed embroidered on their chests because they want to. Perhaps. But I the following few principles govern even the most outré of the slacker’s fashion choices:

  APATHY

  The slacker doesn’t care if there is a hole the size of an Egg McMuffin in the armpit of his sweater. He doesn’t care if the shirt he has on is two sizes too small, or if the jacket he has on is four sizes too big. He doesn’t care if his socks are mismatched, if his T-shirt is on inside out, or if his jeans are so crispy that they stand at attention in the corner of his bedroom.

  ECONOMY

  Even an egregious fashion faux pas can be forgiven if it is committed in the name of economy. Silver duct tape wrapped around a pair of black boots is A-OK, as is an ugly overcoat as long as it was unearthed from a neighborhood I garbage can.

  Slackers respect a healthy disregard for gainful employment even more than style, and they are tolerant of the kinds of compromises that must accompany poverty.

  PROXIMITY

  While not always apparent to the casual onlooker, most of the slacker’s fashion decisions are based on nothing more than the location of various elements of his wardrobe as he dresses for the upcoming day. A pair of jeans hanging from the doorknob is more likely to be worn than an identical pair that happens to be folded up in a dresser drawer, just as the socks on the kitchen floor will stay there until his feet get cold while he’s heating up some ramen.

  A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE GOATEE

  1601-1643 Reign and Life of Louis XIII, King of France, and the Daddy-O of the Goatee. Short pointed beards were the height of fashion under Le Roi Louis, who was described as high-strung, over-intellectualizing (Richelieu wrote of him in Testament Politique, “Your Majesty’s mind rules your body so completely that the slightest excess of emotion affects your heart and reacts upon your whole organism.”), and perpetually miserable, a description that befits the modern-day cafe-dweller after the fourth or fifth latte.

  1585-1642 Life of Cardinal Richelieu. Chief minister under Louis XIII, the good Cardinal basically ran the show, from his initial service to the King in 1624 until his death eighteen years later he dominated the country of France and allowed no political changes to occur in all of Europe without some measure of his control and influence. A literary snob, he founded the snooty-to-this-day Académie Française in 1635. Ruthless, arrogant, and a genius, political and otherwise, Richelieu also had an oft-remarked-upon fondness for cats that apparently approached the bizarre. French fashion influence being what it was and is, the short pointed beard was copied the Western world over, appearing on all courtiers, aristocrats, and dandies, including Charles I (1600-1649), King of England, who unfortunately lost both his goatee and head on the block in 1649, and Gustavus Adolphus (alias the “Snow King,” 1594-1632), the great general and king of Sweden.

  REPETITION

  ACTUALLY NOTHING MORE THAN A BY-PRODUCT OF THE THREE PRINCIPLES OUTLINED ABOVE, SLACKERS TEND TO WEAR THE SAME FEW ARTICLES OF CLOTHING OVER AND OVER AGAIN. VIOLATING THE ONE THING WE ALL LEARNED IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, THE TRUE SLACKER SEES NOTHING WRONG WITH WEARING THE SAME SHIRT, DAY AFTER DAY, WEEK IN, WEEK OUT, UNTIL EITHER THE SEASON CHANGES OR ENOUGH PEOPLE TELL HIM IT OUGHT TO BE WASHED. THUS, IT’S POSSIBLE TO IDENTIFY A PARTICULAR PERSON WITHIN A CERTAIN SLACKER SET WITH A TAG LIKE “THE GUY WHO WEARS THAT BLUE T-SHIRT,” WHEN “THE WEIRDO WITH THE SPARSE GOATEE” OR “THAT DUDE WHO’S FINISHING UP HIS PHILOSOPHY DISSERTATION” COULD SIGNIFY ANY ONE OF SEVERAL INDIVIDUALS.

  UTILITY

  From the skillful application of safety pins to near total disregard for holes, stains, and smells, the slacker wants his clothes to clothe him, not much more. He chooses ensembles whose day-to-night transition is effortless: outfits that can take him from his job at the cafe to his afternoon chess game at another cafe to his evening of crafting poems at another cafe. His fashion watchword: Functionality.

  INATIENTION TO FIGURE FLAWS

  THE SORT OF CAMOUFLAGE THAT IS TAUGHT TO YOUNG WOMEN BYGLAMOURMAGAZINE’S FASHION DOS AND DON’TS IS ALMOST ENTIRELY ABSENT WITHIN THE SLACKING SUBCULTURE. SOME
MIGHT SUGGEST THAT IT IS SORELY MISSED. HIPS SWATHED IN LAYERS OF PLAID FLANNEL, INAPPROPRIATELY COLORED BRASSIERES MAKING THEIR PRESENCE KNOWN BENEATH FRUIT OF THE LOOM UNDERSHIRTS, FLESHY TATTOOED UPPER ARMS OOZING OUT OF SLEEVELESS MOCK TURTLENECKS…

  IRONY

  The slacker’s existence is lent texture and meaning by his heightened sense of irony. So, too, is his wardrobe. A pair of Calvin Klein jeans he finds for fifty cents at a porch sale are more than just a great deal—they are the screams of a thousand peasants threatening the peace and quiet of the king. Designer labels, brand names, T-shirts designed to encourage consumption of nostalgio-popular snack foods, H. R. Puff-n-Stuff lunchboxes, hats with ear flaps, Blue Light Specials—the neat thing about irony, you must admit, is that at this point just about anything can be pressed into service.

  SECRETS OF OUTPATIENT HAIR: HOW TO LOOK FUNCTIONALLY INSANE

  -Go platinum!

  -Trim your bangs with steak knife

  -Ask your hairdresser for a Dorothy Hamill

  -In a demonstration of solidarity with your international pot-smoking brethren, start cultivating dreads

  -Two words: Hat hair

  -Submit to angry drunken girlfriend armed with pinking shears

  1640 and Onward The Great Age of Shaving. It is recorded that Louis XIII, perhaps a bit dazed from destroying Protestantism in France, decided to play barber with his courtiers and one day shaved off their small pointed beards. A further blow to the goatee occurred when Louis began to lose his hair and, necessity being the mother of invention, began wearing the elaborate wigs, or periwigs, that defined French fashion into the eighteenth century. Alas, it is tres gauche to place any emphasis on one’s facial hair when one is trying to call attention to one’s fabulous new rug. The wig/bald-face trend continued with Louis’s son, Louis XIV, the Sun King. The Great Age of Shaving had begun.

  1698 A Further Black Date in Goatee History. Peter the Great (1672-1725), Tsar of Russia (1689-1725), in one of his famous attempts to Europeanize Russia, demanded that all citizens shave their faces, levying a tax based on class level and beard length on those who refused.

  1856 First Appearance of the word “Goatee” in a book called The Englishwoman in America, by Isabella L. Bird. “They Americans also indulge in eccentricities of appearance in the shape of beards and imperials, not to speak of the ‘goatee.’”

  1860 Abraham Lincoln took some time off the campaign trail (slacked, basically) to grow a beard. In 1861 he became the first goateed president (mustache NOT included). Jefferson Davis, elected president of the Confederacy in 1861, modified the look with more of a tuft under his chin.

  1861-1865 American Civil War. It became the fashion on both sides of the Mason-Dixon line for dashing dandies to sport goatees.

  IF IT’S NOT FREE YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT: THE LOOK FOR MEN

  AS MUCH AS YOUR DISTINCT PERSONAL STYLE IS A BY-PRODUCT OF YOUR BLINDING ORIGINALITY AND UNBRIDLED GENIUS, IF YOU’LL TAKE A MOMENT TO LOOK AROUND YOU YOU’LL REALIZE THAT EVERYONE YOU KNOW DRESSES EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS AT THE CAFE. THAT DUDE WHO WORKS AT THE PHOTOCOPY PLACE. EVEN THOSE LOSERS IN THE BUD COMMERCIALS. BUT DON’T LET THAT STOP YOU FROM DRESSING EXACTLY THE WAY YOU WANT. YOU CAN’T HELP IT IF YOU’RE A TRENDSETTER. YOU CAN’T HELP IT IF EVERYONE COPIED YOU.

  1. Untuck every-thing.

  Your free-flowing shirt is a shining symbol of your total disregard for the restricting elements of uptight bourgeois culture. You’re suddenly undepressed for every occasion. Tuck only when you i are trying to “pass”; say, if you’re attempting to infiltrate an invite-only wine and cheese affair at an exclusive gallery downtown.

  2. Don’t wear a watch.

  THE ULTIMATE SLACKER NON-ACCESSORY, THE ABSENT WATCH SYMBOLIZES BOTH YOUR FRUGALITY AND YOUR STYLISH INDIFFERENCE TOWARD TIME. THE WATCHLESS WRIST SUGGESTS THAT YOUR LIFE IS YOUR OWN, THAT YOU NEVER HAVE TO BE ANYPLACE BY A PREDETERMINED HOUR, ANO THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING BUT CONTEMPT FOR THE WESTERN WORLD’S CLOCK-PUNCHING WORK ETHIC.

  3. Wear a hat.

  Not only can a hat enable you to cut down on time-consuming bathing, the right one can help you eliminate it Altogether. But be careful, as even the most innocent ember of creativity can easily spark a towering inferno atop your head. While the wild impulse that causes you to slap down $6.50 for a fez reminiscent of Mr. Cunningham is fine, the urge to wear it to your sister’s wedding should probably be squelched.

  4. Accessorize with care.

  SCARF. SILVER DEATH’S-HEAD RING. ANTIQUE MONOCLE DANGLING FROM A BLACK SHOELACE AROUND YOUR NECK. THE SLACK LOOK IS NEVER FUSSY, NEVER OVERLY ORNATE, BUT A SINGLE WELL-CHOSEN WARDROBE ELEMENT THAT DOUBLES AS A TALISMAN IS QUINTESSENTIALLY SLACK.

  5. Cultivate your racial hair.

  Alas, the goatee lives on. Since it has passed from slack culture into mainstream culture, from Austin to Boise to the outskirts of even the smallest obscure Canadian hamlet, the true slacker must now perform the dreaded task of shaving it off. The same people who were wearing ponytails in the late Eighties—paunchy self-satisfied New York advertising account executives, mainly—are now wearing goatees. Go on, try something else.

  6. Layering is everything.

  JUST REMEMBER THAT THERE IS NO LIMIT TO THE AMOUNT OF CLOTHING YOU CAN DRAPE OVER YOUR FRAME, AND THE THREE LAYERS CLOSEST TO YOUR SKIN NEED NEVER BE LAUNDERED. YOU’LL KNOW YOU’VE GOT IT RIGHT IF A WALK TO THE 7-ELEVEN IN FEBRUARY MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE A BRONTASAURUS OUT ON A CASUAL STROLL THROUGH LA BREA.

  INSIDE THE SLACK POCKET

  -money machine card

  -money machine slip, denying the availability of funds

  -cigarettes (hard pack)

  -7-Eteven matchbook, filled with damp matches

  -tiny globe key chain with screw-driver/bottle-opener attachment, containing nine keys, including those from last three apartments and parents’ house.

  -$4.87

  -losing lotto ticket

  -red cocktail napkin with the words “great 1st nov’l idea: desire” scrawled across it in black ink

  -partially-popped kernel of popcorn

  -bus token

  -broken pencil

  -lint

  1883-1924 Yet Another Black Date in Goatee History: Franz Kafka brooded, wrote, and fluted with socialism all over the cafes of Prague and Berlin. Oddly enough, he lived and died clean-shaven.

  1868-1963 Life of W.E.B. DuBois. The goatee has been recognized as a favorite of the stylish African-American gent, and its practitioners span the decades, including DuBois, James Pierson Beckworth, Robert Smalls, Maulana Karenga, Imamu Amin Baraka, and modern-day Black Pack power broker Spike Lee.

  1870-1924 Life of Nikolai Lenin. Became head of Russian State in 1917. Father of the twentieth-century goatee and, coincidentally enough, twentieth-century communism as well. Really quite a celeb in his own right. He came from, quelle surprise, a fabulously bourgeois background—just like yours.

  Conforming To nonconforming: THE LOOK FOR WOMAN

  THE SLACK LOOK LOR WOMEN IS NOT AS CODIFIED AS THE LOOK FOR MEN. THE FEMALE SUBCULTURE HAS BEEN SO TAINTED BY ITS EXPOSURE TO QUASI-SLACK ELEMENTS—ART SCHOOL CHICKS IN BLACK CAT SUITS AND DECISIVELY CUT HAIR, EARTH-MOTHER VEGANS WEARING FLOWING SKIRTS AND FELT CLOGS—THAT EVEN THE MOST DISCERNING OF YOU LADY SLACKERS MIGHT START TO THINK THAT ANYTHING GOES.

  AND UP TO A POINT YOU’D BE RIGHT. BUT KEEP IN MIND THE FOLLOWING BASICS, AND THEN LET YOUR IRREPRESSIBLE SPIRIT RUN FREE:

  1. Untuck everything

  Even the most put-together ensemble will suddenly smack of slack if the shirttails are left dangling and the sweater droops down around your hips. You were smart enough to stop reading Seventeen at fourteen, Glamour at fifteen, and Cosmo at sixteen—why start listening to them now?

  2. Easy on the make-up

  IF YOU PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION TO YOUR LIPSTICK, YOU’LL QUICKLY BE MISTAKEN FOR AN ART SCHOOL CHICK OR A SUBURBAN HIGH SCHOOL POSER AND HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ALL SORTS OF TESTOSTERONE-FUELEO STUPIDITY FOISTED UPON YOU
BY YOUR SLACK BROTHERS-IN-ARMS. MAKE-UP, IF WORN AT ALL, SHOULD BE SOMETHING OF AN AFTERTHOUGHT, APPLIED BUT NEVER REAPPLIED, SUGGESTING YOU HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR TIME THAN POWDER YOUR NOSE.

  3. Steal your, boyfriends clothes.

  You must go about collecting clothes from the men you date with the sort of intense bloodlust that we now associate with politically insensitive portrayals of Native Americans stalking for scalps. Take no prisoners. Alas, there is nothing better than a nice Brooks Brothers button-down, lifted after two evenings with a plodding accountant who paid for dinner and movie and popcorn but had never even heard of Christina Rossetti.

  4. Have fun with your footwear.

  Shoes are important, and if you can give the impression that your shoes originated as part of a totally different outfit than the one you happen to be wearing, you’re on the right track. Choose the right kind of industrial footwear and you’ll seem serious and no-nonsense, as even the most flowery trapeze dress can be sobered up by a pair of beat-up black combat boots.